Good Deeds

Chapter 2 - Observations by a Field Agent

By Ehann

One Year Later

XX was back at her podium, for the Annual Meeting of the Conglomerate. “Okay, Godmothers, and that means you too, MM. I don’t care if you are male, it doesn’t make you any less a Godmother than the rest of us.” XX paused to let that bit sink in. “Since this year’s stack is half the size of last year’s…” A perplexed look flitted across her features. “What’s up with that? We should be busier than ever! Well, whatever, we still have business to conduct. Let’s begin with the usual preliminaries. Anyone want to start?”

A middle level Agent, GG, stood and cautiously began. “I have an interesting case here. Famous Rock Star, also playing the role of Poor Little Rich Girl, thinks that she’s not being taken Seriously as an Artist. I’d like to give her the Good Deed of Respectability. She’s—”

XX closed her eyes for a moment. “Please tell me her name does NOT start with Britney.”

“Well…”

“Have you lost your mind? Of course, she’s not Taken Seriously, the girl’s lucky she’s Made It This Far. Honestly, GG, let’s check her Records.” With a snap of her fingers, XX had the girl’s dossier. “Look at this,” XX groaned. She flipped through the sheets of paper, before tossing them into the air. They vanished into the ether without a trace. “GG, listen, I’m sure she’s very Convincing and all, but could you try not to Waste My Time like this? She’s already had a huge Good Deed done for her—She was Discovered, wasn’t she? What, does she think she owns stock in the Fairy Godmother Corporation? Next!” XX sounded decidedly ticked.

It was HH’s turn. “All right, I have a Single Mother here, or about to be. The father’s nowhere to be found, and her whole family lives three thousand miles away. She’s homeless and has no idea what to do with her life.”

“I’m listening,” XX said.

“Well…I think we should give her a little help. The Good Deed of Fortitude would be perfect for her.”

XX didn’t think twice. “What the heck, and I’ll even throw in some Inspiration, too.” The silver shimmer rippled out from her.

The Conglomerate responded as one, “So it shall be.”

“Now, that, people, is how to make a case. Next! JJ.”

Time passed. A female infant was granted the Deed of Protection from her abusive Uncle. A teenage suicidal boy was gifted with the ability to find One Good Thing to look forward to each day. A middle aged mother whose adult son had just died, was granted Comfort.  A young father was gifted with the Near Miss—narrowly escaping death in a car accident. A baby was granted a Full Recovery from Influenza. A mother was granted Intuition to save her child from falling down the steps.

It went on and on, until the Conglomerate Members began shifting in their places and thinking of a bathroom break. Finally, XX decided it was Time to talk about Unfinished Business. “Okay,” XX began, “Before we get to the Hogwarts stuff, let’s just get it over with. Any news on Dumbledore?”

DD stood up in the back. “Nothing new there, XX.”

“Really.” XX sounded disbelieving. “Then why do I have a bunch of Giants traipsing across Europe!” She roared the last word.

DD protested, “Look, there was nothing I could do. It wasn’t even Dumbledore, I’m telling you, that Old Man is Sneaky as hell. You know how he is.”

XX rolled her eyes. “Yeah, listen, I know all about That Man. I swear, he lives for Messing With Me. I’ve read his recent file. I know how he sent an Emissary to the Giants…He’s been practically living with one for the last twenty years, or didn’t you know that?” XX shook her head, disappointed. “Figures. Don’t you guys remember, A couple decades back at Hogwarts, that big huge guy kept getting into all sorts of Trouble—everyone thought he opened some room or something. Well. My good friend Dumbledore, went and gave the Giant guy a Good Deed. A Second Chance.”

“All right, MM, give us an update on the Cranky, Ugly, Sort-of-Honorable and Great-in-Bed teacher who’s got True Love in the on deck circle.”

MM cleared his throat and stood up. “Okay. Basically he’s been doing the same things as always—griping about the kids at school, Avoiding Human Contact as much as       possible—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” XX said, waving a hand. “Nobody told me he was Avoiding Human Contact!” She took a deep breath. “I’m telling you, I rue the day I ever gave this dude a Good Deed. MM, do you have any clue how difficult this case is going to be?” The Chair of the Conglomerate tapped her fingers on the side of the podium, thinking hard. After a few minutes, she finally said, “All right, while half my brain is considering what to do about Snape, CC, what’s the deal with the ex-student we’re setting him up with? Please tell me she’s doing something constructive that will help her grow up.”

CC hesitantly cleared her throat. “Um, well, she’s at University right now, studying Potions and Transfiguration.”

“Well, that’s something,” XX grumped. “Continue.”

“She’s Lonely and Doesn’t Get Out much. Mostly what she does is Study. Like, all the time. Frankly, it’s a little strange and off putting.”

XX narrowed her eyes. “Have you been watching Television again? I swear, I’m having the cable turned off, if you guys don’t get On The Ball.” After a fierce glare, she said, “Now. So if all she does is Study, how is she supposed to get out and Meet Someone? Someone like a Cranky Potions Teacher who’s Great in Bed. Suggestions, people?”

One of the Oldest Members of the Conglomerate, ZZ, rose unsteadily to his feet. “What you need to do with these two, is to get them somewhere, that they Can’t Escape each other’s company.” ZZ reached into the ether and pulled out a spiral notebook. He flipped the pages until he came to a dog eared section. “Ah. Here We Go. It’s called, Pretexts, people, and I suggest you all become very familiar with them, as you’ll be using them Over and Over, trust me. Some of them unfortunately, are more useless than a Liberal Republican, but some of them work. Take this one—The Locked Room. It’s been used with varying degrees of success. If Things Go Right, then when the room is unlocked the couple falls out the door in a Naked Embrace. If, on the other hand, things go Very, Very Wrong, then one person croaks and the other has blood on her hands.”

ZZ paused dramatically to let that Sink In. “Okay, Pretext number two. Danger As Aphrodisiac. Frankly, unless you’re a Very Dumb Agent, you Can’t Go Wrong with this one. If there is even the remotest Attraction then, believe me, they’ll be in bed before the end of an Earth week. Of course, the Downside is that sometimes after the Danger is over and things have returned to Normal, the romance Fizzles Out.” ZZ shrugged. “You take your chances.” He motioned to CC. “This girl of yours, What’s Her Name, she’s a brain, yes?” ZZ shifted his glance to MM. “And you, this Snape guy, been running on the Dark Side, I imagine he can hold his own in a Seedy Situation. Here’s my Recommendation. Go for the Danger. He can Protect her and she can Save His Bacon with her mind. With a little Luck—we’ll have to Email her and see if she can provide some— Miss Brainy Girl will turn to the One Man who can handle her and he will turn to the One Woman that Truly Understands him.”

XX said thoughtfully, “Well, how about we use a failsafe. Should we True Love the girl, too, just to make sure they don’t Bungle it?”

ZZ grinned. “Naw. Where’s the challenge in that? Besides, if Miss Brain gets Other Ideas in her head then she might go and Fall In Love with one of those boys she pals around with-Then we’d be in a Fine Mess. The Last Thing she needs to do is go Fucking with Harry Potter’s Destiny.” He rolled his eyes. “Right, LL?”

“Uh-huh,” she glared. “That’s the last thing I need. Bad enough I have to pull him Back From the Brink every June. Besides, I thought we agreed that he has Bigger Issues than True Love.”

“This is all very nice, people,” XX jumped in, “But we don’t have to worry about the Potter kid until he Finishes what he’s Supposed To Do. Get rid of the Moldy Dude. Anyway, so we have a Consensus about What To Do about Snape and the Girl? I don’t know why, but I’m pretty sure that these two together is gonna be a tough sell. Matter of fact, I’m thinking of assigning someone as a Field Agent to handle the matter personally.” XX let her gaze wander across the Conglomerate. They didn’t look too thrilled at this news. “Deities, people, I’m not looking for you to get Blood From A Stone—that’s been done to death—all I need is an Agent on Earth to, ah, smooth the Rough Edges a little. When Snape’s about to say something dumb, I don’t know, give him a wee little nudge. Make him think about what Nice Hair the chick has. Be Creative, in other words!”

XX was On A Roll, now. “And if What’s Her Name starts getting pissy, then plant the idea of how good he is in the sack. If you have to, you can use the term ‘cunnilingus’, that’ll get her Attention, believe you me. Worst case scenario, it Can’t Hurt. Might even help things along.” She scanned the group. “ZZ. You have the requisite experience, you came up with the brilliant idea to Try and Kill Them—Hey! Maybe we can do two birds at once by not only scaring them to death, but locking them in together to boot.” Her brow furrowed. “On second thought, that might be a bit much. Just make them think someone’s after them, that they have to stick together, and ZZ? Better make it Look Convincing. I mean it, let them think they see bodies all over the street, if you have to, but I’m telling you, those two need to Fall In Love.” XX took a deep breath. “In closing, I don’t care how you do it, as long as it Gets Done. Got it?”

ZZ grinned. “Yep, I sure nuff do.” He rubbed his palms together. “Deities, is this ever gonna be fun!”

~~~~~~~~~~

Excerpts from ZZ’s Field Log

Pretexts

Chapter 3 >>