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Celebration
Chapter 2
If a man walking into a bar is funny, is three men walking into a bar three
times funnier? It is when its Harry Potter, and Ronald Weasley taking Severus
Snape out for his stag night. Remus had been sent on ahead to get the drinks
in and make other unspecified arrangements, whilst Harry and Ron had gone on
to Hogwarts to pick up Severus.
They had been firmly admonished to return Snape in more or less the same condition
as they found him. In case there had been any doubt as to what she meant Hermione
had then recited a very long list of things they were not allowed to do.
This included but not was not limited to painting any portion of Severus purple
and leaving him naked in the Forbidden Forest, taking him to a house of ill-repute
for his last night of freedom, spiking his drinks with a lust potion, and indeed
anything that the two of them might have thought vaguely fun.
She had tucked Severus’s hand-knitted scarf more firmly into his jacket, kissed
him on the cheek, and sent him on his way with the words, “Have fun and remember
no strippers!”
Ron had grumbled all the way to the Three Broomsticks that it was going to be
difficult to have fun now that Hermione had banned everything, but he had
cheered up when he saw that the drinks that Remus had ordered were set out on
the table waiting for them.
It took a couple of drinks to break the ice, and it took a couple of bottles
of Firewhiskey before they really thawed. There had been a nasty moment
when Ron had made fun of Severus’s scarf, and he had rather obviously reached
for his wand. Hermione’s knitting hadn’t improved with time, but NO ONE
insulted his fiancé and lived. It had been smoothed over, largely by the
simple expedient of ordering some snacks. Ron was too busy eating to put his
foot in it.
That lasted for a quarter of an hour.
Then Ron, being Ron, was the one to ask the question they were all wondering
but were too polite to ask. Too polite, and too scared of how Severus would
react, and what Hermione would say if she ever found out. And she was bound
to find out. “So,” he said, “What’s she like in bed then, mate?”
Severus fixed him with a deathly glare. Or he would have one if he could have
managed to focus his eyes properly. Instead a perfectly innocent bystander got
the full effect, and rapidly decided that it was time to go home and spend more
time with his family.
Harry intervened uneasily, “That’s probably going a bit too far, Ron.”
“We are saving ourselves for marriage,” Severus said with ponderous dignity.
“No,” said Ron in shocked sympathy. “But you’ve been going out for three years.
I thought you’d been going at it like rabbits. Three years”, he breathed in
awe.
Harry burst out laughing. “Ron, he’s having you on.”
“Definitely having you on, Ron. They were very nearly caught in the restricted
section celebrating their engagement, weren’t you Severus?” Remus pointed out.
Severus smirked at the memory. They had managed to get their clothes back on
in time, but their guilty expressions had given them away. Only that fact
that it was the school holidays, and breaking the news of their engagement had
saved them from being read the riot act by Albus.
That and the fact that Albus was still scared of Hermione. Even a post-coital
Hermione with a soppy grin on her face.
She had talked Albus into giving him another pay rise, so that he could support
his wife in the style to which she wanted to become accustomed, despite the
fact that working for the Ministry meant that she earned twice as much as him.
Apparently, he could expect another pay rise in fairly short order. It had been
‘decided’ that he was going to be the first Slytherin Headmaster of Hogwarts
in due course. Minerva had become very nervous when Albus had talked about
retiring in a couple of years. It had taken him several weeks to drag
it out of her – she was worried that Hermione wouldn’t be happy if she
became Headmistress, and rather thought she had an eye on the job for
him.
He didn’t know the details, but Hermione had taken her on one side and brokered
a deal. Hermione pointed out that Severus would need the next decade or so for
raising a family, and therefore wouldn’t want to be Headmaster just yet. So
he would became deputy-Head in Minerva’s place and then Headmaster in his turn
when she retired.
He was quite looking forward to it. Even the children, though he would never
admit it in public.
He realised that Ron and Harry were exchanging money again. “I wish you two
would stop betting on my love life,” he said.
“I wish you’d stop giving into Hermione so easily,” said Ron frankly. “I can’t
afford it.”
“You know she’s had the Restricted Section fantasy for ages, Ron.”
Ron grunted. “At least she hasn’t managed the detention fantasy yet …” He took
in the look of fond reminiscence on Severus ‘s face and started digging in his
pocket resignedly. “Not another one…”
It had taken Hermione a whole year to admit that she had a detention fantasy,
contrary to what she had said when she had made her move on him. He had complained
that she had lied, only to be told that, “Severus, everyone has a detention
fantasy about you. I wouldn’t be surprised if Harry has a detention fantasy
about you.”
“… Still, you’ll be married soon. You’ll have to start behaving yourselves.
Everyone knows that married people don’t have sex.,” continued Ron hopefully.
“Your mother seemed to manage it,” said Severus dryly.
Both Harry and Ron looked faintly queasy at that thought.
“Anyway, that’s why we got you a stripper,” Ron said skating over the issue
of his mother’s sexuality as quickly as possible.
“Hermione won’t like it,” said Remus.
“Hermione isn’t here,” Harry pointed out, “And what Hermione doesn’t find out
about, won’t worry her.”
Severus thought that was rather optimistic, but he also knew that he had resources
available to him to placate an annoyed soon-to-be-wife. And he didn’t mean a
bunch of flowers.
What the hell, you only got married once.
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