Die Hard: A Hogwarts Experience

By Pigwidgeon37

Dear Mr. Spielberg,

my name is Lucius Malfoy. I am an aspiring scriptwriter—at age fifty-six, I consider it a second career, mostly because the first one… well, I’d better leave it at that—and would like to submit to your attention the attached script, or rather part of it. If you are interested in seeing more of it, please contact me under the following address:

Lucius Malfoy,

Azkaban, cell no. 3426

Isle of Azkaban, UK

Yours sincerely (Merlin, it hurts to even write that word)

Lucius Malfoy

~~~~~*****~~~~~

INT. DUNGEON A vast space, dark, forbidding, even frightening (the more the better). Close-up on the rusty chains and manacles hanging from a vaulted ceiling that is covered in the most slimy variety of mould imaginable.

SNAPE (V.O.) Mr. Longbottom, would you mind getting your knee out of my groin?

LONGBOTTOM (V.O.) I can’t, Sir, I can’t! I would, I truly would if you moved your hands out of my hair!

The CAMERA sweeps over about ten boys and girls, all in their late teens, clad in black robes with funny crests embroidered on the left side of their chests (well, no, scratch that, only the maroon-gold ones are funny. The silver-green ones are all right) They are paired up and obviously deeply immersed into potions-brewing; cauldrons bubbling, ingredients being prepared. The CAMERA focuses on one boy—NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM—and the teacher—SEVERUS SNAPE—frozen in a position similar to that of the Laocoon group.

SNAPE’S hands seem to be glued to LONGBOTTOM’s head, whereas LONGBOTTOM is balancing on one leg, the other one is bent, the knee glued to SNAPE’s groin.

Beside them, HERMIONE GRANGER (bushy brown hair, brown eyes, the epitome of lacklustre) stands staring at them in horror. The CAMERA detects an overturned cauldron on the floor, the contents of which are sizzling and hissing.

SNAPE Mr. Longbottom, move that leg!

LONGBOTTOM Well… I was going to but I think it is stuck.

GRANGER (hysterically) What do you mean stuck? It can’t be stuck!

Moves over to the Laocoon group and tries to pry SNAPE and LONGBOTTOM apart. SNAPE viciously elbows her in the nose Ohh… Ouch… don’t move! For Merlin’s sake don’t move!

SNAPE (thunderously) Miss Granger, five hundred points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable, meddling know-it-all!

GRANGER (tearfully) I was just trying to help! SNAPE (acidly) If you could stop trying to help just for a moment, I might be able to extract us from this position with the least amount of injury done to both our dignity and our persons. Well, make that my dignity and my person.

GRANGER (sobbingly) Well! Excuse me! I’m terribly sorry I was just trying to help!

SNAPE (scraping together sheds of patience) Miss Granger. Take my wand out of my pocket.

GRANGER (wide-eyed) But Sir… That means… that means I’d have to touch you!

SNAPE (sardonically) Don’t tell me that’s not exactly what you’ve been wanting to do for the last three years!

GRANGER blushes violently and inserts her right hand into the pocket of SNAPE’s robes. While she is fidgeting around she blushes even more.

SNAPE (strangledly) Miss… Granger… that is not my wand… Oooooh… Oh, Miss Granger! Please… ooooh…

Close-up on SNAPE’s upper lip where beads of sweat are forming rapidly

SNAPE (orgasmically) Yes… Miss Granger… Merlin’s foreskin… you know your wand technique… ooooh, Hermione, Hermione! Yes… yes… yesyesyesyesyesssssss! Aaaaaaah! SNAPE climaxes and slumps into a post-orgasmic puddle of ecstasy. His hands come off LONGBOTTOM’S hair in the process, and LONGBOTTOM’s knee miraculously detaches itself from SNAPE’S groin. GRANGER retires her hand with a look of utter disgust.

GRANGER (sceptically) Professor, you know that I am not usually jumping to negative conclusions about my teachers, not even you. But this looks suspiciously like a deliberate set-up.

LONGBOTTOM, after a brief look at GRANGER’s hand, collapses over the table and vomits on the cauldron. The CAMERA shows us that he had scrambled egg, kippers, Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans and something containing lots of carbonic acid for breakfast. Close-up on the mixture (yes, it’s disgusting, but did you see Casino? OK, then you can take it. Besides, it’s a plot device, so shut up and stop gagging). The mixture is bubbling and frizzing ominously.

GRANGER (upset) And you come to me, whining and complaining about your weight problems? You… you twit?

GRANGER bends down, shuddering with disgust, to examine the mixture even more closely.

GRANGER (scientifically) These are Every Flavour Beans, you gluttonous son of a mentally deranged Auror!

SNAPE has regained his composure and is watching GRANGER’S outburst with a hideous smirk on his face.

LONGBOTTOM (plaintively) Hermione, I swear I don’t know how they finished in my stomach. Are you sure these are Every Flavour Beans?

GRANGER (more and more disgusted) Of course they are. Look here! Close-up on

GRANGER’s hand stretching out to grab one of the beans out of the disgusting mixture. Close-up on SNAPE’s face, distorted by sudden fear. The CAMERA shows SNAPE lounging forward to prevent GRANGER from touching the liquid, screaming SNAPE Noo! No, Hermione! Fitzliputzli Potion mixed with Every Flavour Beans will turn this cauldron into—

INT. THE COCKPIT OF A BOEING 767

SNAPE and GRANGER, he underneath, she on top, are sitting in the captain’s seat, seatbelt dutifully fastened.

 SNAPE —a Portkey!

GRANGER tries to open the seatbelt, but it is obviously stuck. She gets angry and struggles furiously.

SNAPE Ouch! My… wand…

GRANGER Sorry.

SNAPE (sarcastically) Think nothing of it. I wasn’t going to use it for anything anyway.

GRANGER (trying to be even more sarcastic) Says the man who just got my right hand pregnant.

The CAMERA looks out of the tiny cockpit windows. There is only blackness.

GRANGER (fearfully) Professor… this is no ordinary airplane!

VOLDEMORT (V.O. through the micro) It’s a flight simulator, you stupid mudblood. Which doesn’t mean you can’t have an ordinary crash- Mwahahahahaha! SNAPE (courageously) Voldemort, leave the girl and take me instead!

VOLDEMORT (V.O.) Severus, dear, you are overlooking one important detail: I got you both. You’ve been watching Bodyguard way too often, you great big softie.

SNAPE (blushingly) Er… right. Er… well, then… let her go and keep me.

VOLDEMORT (V.O., snorts) Any particular reason why I should?

SNAPE (can’t-think-of anything-ly) Well…

VOLDEMORT (V.O.) You see? Now listen. Both of you will be free if you manage to land this airplane.

GRANGER (back to know-it-all mode) What if we don’t?

VOLDEMORT (V.O.) You’re going to stay there until the kerosene’s all.

GRANGER (open-mouthedly) And then?

VOLDEMORT (V.O., impatiently) Three guesses, mudblood. What happens when an aircraft is out of kerosene?

GRANGER (desperately) It comes dooooooown!

VOLDEMORT (V.O., fading) Mwahahahahahahaaaaaaa!

SNAPE (switching to Bruce Willis mode) All right, Hermione, now don’t panic.

SNAPE buries his big, hooked nose in GRANGER’s neck. Close-up on his lips making their way up to her earlobe. Then the CAMERA shows his hands clutching firmly at her breasts.

GRANGER (primly) Professor, I don’t think this is the right moment to… oooooh!

SNAPE (muffled) Please, call me Severus!

GRANGER (miffed) OK, Severus. Do you know how to fly an airplane?

SNAPE (cowed) Well…

GRANGER (furiously) Than I suggest you try your wand!

SNAPE (seductively) Oh, I had hoped you might…

GRANGER (imperiously) There’s a time for everything, professor. Right now is the time for trying to get this place down by magic.

SNAPE (stubbornly) It’s a simulator.

GRANGER (seethingly) Shut up and fly that damned plane!

SNAPE tries to fish for his wand. Close-up on his elegant, seductively long-fingered, holding-a-thousand-promises-of-skilful-stimulation hand, struggling to get into the pocket.

SNAPE (politely) Would you mind shifting to your left? Oomph… I meant your other left.

GRANGER (contritely) Sorry.

SNAPE (conciliatory) Quite all right. Ah, here it is.

GRANGER (saucily) How come I can still feel it?

SNAPE (heatedly) No double-entendres, Granger! Now stop helping and stay still !

GRANGER (miffed) Fine… I will!

SNAPE is still fumbling for his wand. SNAPE (embarrassedly) If you could shift to the right just a…

GRANGER (losing her patience) I though you wanted me to stay still?

SNAPE (coldly) Just do as I ask, please

GRANGER (piquedly) There is no need to get snarky! Look… I’m moving! See? To the right.

SNAPE (strangledly) ‘Feel’ would be more like it. Close-up on his hand that pulls the wand out of his pocketses… sorry, pocket. It is definitely a virility-exuding wand: ebony, fifteen inches long…

SNAPE (self-assuredly) And now… let us see. This simulator has been tampered with. So I suggest that we first de-curse it. Finite Incantatem!

Blinding red light, and cut.

EXT. A MOUNTAIN TOP

The CAMERA does a 360° turn, showing lots of breathtaking panorama: snow-covered mountain tops against a deep-blue sky. All those tops are way beyond the point where the CAMERA is standing. Retreating, the CAMERA shows that SNAPE and GRANGER are balancing on a ridiculously pointed, ice-covered mountain top.

GRANGER (irate) I can’t believe you did this! Why didn’t you just bring down the fucking plane?

SNAPE (swaying slightly) In hindsight, Miss Granger, we are always wiser.

~~~~~****~~~~~

Dear Mr. Spielberg, My original idea further includes: a lion cage, the stomach of a whale (yes, I know it’s been done, but who reads the Bible anyway?), Snape and Granger clutched within the deadly coils of a giant anaconda, Snape and Granger on a railway track that is vibrating with the superpower of an oncoming superfast train, and Snape and Granger inside a heavily damaged 2-person submarine.

Both will, of course, die.

Yours again,

Lucius Malfoy